It's Stuff! On Cats!

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Saturday Afternoon

Saturday Afternoon
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

The Last Hurrah
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This was the final picture taken last night. I feel like ass today.

Lookin' Up, Kim Style

Sanity
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

I'm feeling a bit better. This changes from day-to-day, but for now, I'm feeling pretty good. Last night when I arrived home, I was greeted by a lovely bouquet of flowers, complete with a Halloween card. Yes, I said a Halloween card. It made me smile. The best part was that inside said Halloween card, in the midst of many nice things, it said "Happy Hump Day". I love that card.

So that was nice.

I decided to make myself a nice dinner. My usual staple of "easy meal" took a new fabulous turn when I made a quesadilla with cheddar, pepper jack, smoked cheddar, feta, fresh oregano and chopped tomatoes, all grilled up in a frying pan. I decided to cook it slow, so that all of the flavors would have time to meld, and I could relax a bit before devouring my meal.

Just as I turned the burner on, Heifer started to eat my flowers. Well, not the flowers, but the green stuff. He loves the greenery in a bouquet. So, I'm trying to wrestle with him, when I notice Cricket scooting across the tile floor on her butt. She does this sometimes, and usually I find it amusing, but about the time she hit the carpet, I realized, there are poop streaks all over my hallway. Leave Heifer to continue eating my flowers. Pick up Cricket in football grip, so as not to get poo on my clothes, and head to the bathroom. Sit down on the toilet and investigate. Crickets ass and surrounding fur are covered in crap. HOW DID SHE DO THIS???? I went to work...First with toilet paper, then upgraded to an old rag with warm water. I must say, she did very well, considering I was pulling at the hair around her asshole. Poor thing.

Cricket's clean, I'm clean, Heifer's demolished most of my greenery. Quesadilla is ready to flip. Perfect timing. I can do this! It's the Poop Ballet!

Flip quesadilla, decide I really want a glass of wine, knowing that I only have a few bottles, which I've been saving for a special occasion. Decide to celebrate my sanity with the most expensive bottle that I own.

So very very worth it.

EFF You, Tom Cruise, And I Hope That's Exactly What Katie Holmes Says When You Try To Keep Her From Medicating Her Post-Partum Depression.

Alright. We're off to a good start!

You might not hear from me for awhile. Well, unless something really funny happens, like someone falling on their face while trying to board the bus....That's just funny, People.

Those of you who know me even a little bit, know that I blush easily. It was always really fun when I was 15 and my 3 older sisters would take turns randomly saying "SEX!" to see just how red I would turn. Well, luckily I've gotten over that, because I have some pretty socially ungraceful friends. Whenever I blush, everyone gets a big kick out of it. "Hey everybody, look how red Kim just turned!" "Oh my god, even her arms are red! Look!" Nice. Well, the blushing thing isn't fun anymore. Now it's turned into full-blown anxiety, and I don't have any way of explaining why the hell I feel the way that I do on a daily basis.

On my last post I told about being asked to run a meeting. That was on Monday of this week. I had a little chat with my boss yesterday about that blog post. She's assured me that I would never be forced to do something that makes me uncomfortable. She said that I'm great at my job, and that I continually impress her with my ability to take on new projects and even create them on my own. I know all of this, but I still can't shake that feeling. Let me say that I love my job. I do. I enjoy what I do and I value those that I work with. I truly have it made in the job department. In spite of all this, I couldn't go to work this morning. I couldn't deal with this horrible fear that something might happen that would make me uncomfortable.

Since Monday I have spent every afternoon trying to keep myself sane between bouts of nausea. See, I know, logically, that the meeting conversation was just an offer made in case I might be interested in running a meeting but hadn't spoken up. No biggie. However, in my crazy head, it's become a looming threat. "What if someone of higher importance wants me to run a meeting one day? Will they think less of me if I say no? Will they understand that I just can't do that sort of thing? When are people going to start noticing that I'm not actually good at my job??? Am I just going to fall through the cracks and be one of those useless employees who manages to stick around through the years? Do they already realize that I'm not good at my job, and I just haven't made that revelation yet???"

Welcome to my world.

Everytime that someone stops by to visit the person sitting in the cube next to me, I listen to their hushed conversations and become engulfed in an unwarranted paranoia that they might be talking about me. Logically? Well, I know that I'm really not that important, and even if they are talking about me, who really cares. But the reality is that I'm convinced that they are, and regardless of what they're saying according to my created scenario, it makes me feel horrible.

Now, some of you might be thinking, "Gee, Kim, I know you like your job and all, but is it really worth all this trauma?" You're absolutely right, and if it were just about work, I would take some serious action. Enter Exibit "Mind Fuck":

1. I've stopped letting my cats outside because I'm absolutely convinced that one of them will get hit by a car. Now that they are inside all day, I sit at work and worry that something will happen. "What if my little Hiefer jumps up on the counter, and when he jumps back down, a knife falls on him???" This isn't just a passing thought. I dwell on this all day.

2. I started having night terrors about 2 months ago. I wake up absolutely terrified for no reason. I feel as though someone has been holding me down, and I am so scared, that I can't even scream. This has led to a fear of someone entering my apartment. When I get home from work in the evening, I engage all 3 locks on my door. Sometimes I sleep on my couch so that I will wake up more quickly if someone tries to get in at night.

I had an appointment for an annual girly exam today. I love those. I especially like it when they rub my cervix with that bristle brush. Good times. So, the nurse came in to take my blood pressure. Everything's fine. We chatted a bit about why I was there. No big deal. The first mistake was her leaving me there for nearly 30 minutes waiting for my doctor. In being true to form, my mind started to wander to horrible things. "What if she finds something wrong???" I finally got control of that, and thought, "Y'know, maybe I should talk to her about all of these things that have been bothering me so much. I might have an anxiety disorder. Maybe some medication would help keep me balanced." Seemed like a good idea to me. But, the story doesn't end there, of course...what fun would that be?? "What if she wants me to start seeing a counselor? What if I need something more immediate than that??? What if she prescribes drugs, and they make me feel worse? What if I find something that works, but I have to take 5 other drugs just to deal with side-effects???"

Isn't this game fun?

My doctor, who I absolutely trust and adore, walked in the room, and gave her usual cheery hello, to which I respond with a fit of crying. I finally calmed myself down, and started to tell her what had been plaguing me for the past 2 months. Apparently this crying business actually works, as my doctor has diagnosed me with "Generalized Anxiety Disorder". Do you know what this means? It means that I'm scared shitless of everything that could happen in the confines of my head.

I'm taking a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication. With the small amount that I'm taking, we should be able to catch any reverse or side-effects before they get out of hand. Yes, I'm a little scared, but I have to believe it will be worth it, because I'm so tired of feeling this way. I don't know if any of you have dealt with depression or anxiety, but it's absolutely exhausting.

I hate that I have fears just like everyone else, but rather than letting them pass I dwell on them all day. I hate that I love my job but I'm afraid to go there. I hate that I love my apartment, and until 2 months ago I wanted to spend every moment there, but now I'm so fearful and uncomfortable when I'm there.

I have to believe that this will help.

A Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On

During a meeting I had with my supervisor awhile back, I expressed an interest in becoming more comfortable with public speaking. Since that time, I have had a small moment of standing in front of a limited group. Yes, I was bright red and nervous the entire time, but I did it. Looking back, it wasn't that big of a deal, considering the subject matter and the members of the small group.

Recently I was asked if I would be interested in running a conference call meeting. I just started laughing and told her absolutely not, under any circumstances, will I ever be interested in running a meeting. Ever. Said person reminded me that I wanted public speaking opportunities, to which I responded, "Yeah, well I just changed my mind on that."

See, standing in front of a small group of people that I know very well is pretty intimidating for me. Running a meeting? Paralyzing. I don't mean to say that it makes me nervous, I mean to express that the mere thought of doing such a thing scares the living hell out of me.

Example A:

Today I was sitting at my desk, working as usual when my mind started to wander. I had created a scenario where the Big Boss Man asked me to present something during a meeting. Nothing big, just a contribution that I would be able to make to a Large. Group. Of. Important. People. By the time I came back from this little day dream, I was just about beside myself, tearing up, bright red, and even shaking a little.

Don't ask me for another example. I'm all worked up just thinking about Example A!

Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

These shoes are pure torture, but so very very hot.

Left For Dead...

So I look in your direction,
But you pay me no attention,
And you know how much I need you,
But you never even see me.

~Coldplay