Wow. Just......wow.

Matt and I went out for dinner on Tuesday night at this really great place in West Seattle called West5 - they have fantastic macaroni and cheese. After we finished dinner, I got up to use the bathroom. I don't know about the men's restroom, but the women's has one freakishly large stall, and one freakishly small. The large was in use when I walked in, so I decided to brave the smaller of the 2. When I closed the door, it was about 2 inches away from my nose. I'm surprised I was able to sit down without hitting my knees.

The girl in the other stall was singing. Seriously.

Just as I was noticing that my feet stuck out from under the stall door, and realizing that the other girl was able to see my shoes as she was leaving, it got very dark in the room. She had turned the light off. She hadn't seen my shoes.

There was a brief moment when I could have yelled, before the door shut behind her. I was thinking "Say something! Yell Kim!!", but nothing came out. I just sat there in the dark. There weren't any windows in the bathroom. It was really freakin' dark, and I was in a tiny stall. I reached my hands over and found the toilet paper dispenser. Frantically turning the roll, I realized I couldn't find the end of the roll. Oh my god. I started to freak out and thrash a little bit.

Think Kim. Think. Maybe I should just start yelling. No. I'll just sit here and wait for someone to come in and then I can thank them for turning the light back on. No. Maybe I can waddle out of the stall and turn the light on, then run back to the stall before anyone sees me. No. Dammit.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Scenario: You're in a restroom at an eating establishment. There are two stalls. DON'T TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

I do what the voices tell me to

I have a tendency to come up with very convincing arguments for staying in bed when I'm half asleep. These arguments make perfect sense during that brief moment it takes to press "snooze", and they make for very entertaining reflection once fully upright. This is the progressive conversation I had with myself this morning; No joke:

6:35am: "They prefer it when I don't get up until 7:15." Snooze.

7:14am: "My alarm cycle won't coincide with 7:15. I'll wait until 7:20, because I have to make sure that I get up on an even 5 minute mark." Snooze.

7:20am (fully upright): "Who the hell are 'They' and why would they care if I get up before 7:15???"

I swear to god I must have been abducted by aliens at some point.

Say it like you mean it!

There are times that I wish I hadn't given this url to my family. I mean, I love my family and all, and I think this is a great way for everyone to keep up with what I'm doing, but sometimes I wish I still had to send out a long email once a week. Heather is the creator of one of my newfound favorite websites. She is married with a daughter, and she has a fascinating way of telling funny stories about her boobs and constipation. She also curses more than anyone else I have met (in person or in writing). She inspires me.

I've had the desire to express myself by way of vulgarities, but I have to limit myself to "damn" or "ass" for fear of offending loved ones. Sure, there's the strategically placed asterisk, but that option always seems to convey a cuteness that I'm just not in the mood for.

Have you kissed a leprechaun lately?

Are you wearing green today?

No. I'm wearing totally hot shoes, so I'm exempt.

They must be pretty hot if you're exempt from wearing green.

Oh, they're hot. So hot as to be impractical!

That's pretty hot!

Riding in style

I have a new bike! Matt and I went shopping yesterday to see what was available, and I came home with one! I can't wait to get a basket with plastic flower decorations and some streamers! Look out pedestrians! Weee!!!

Modern technology takes a turn for the worst

mattkim
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

I finally figured out how to post pictures on my blog. I rock. And Matt rocks too, as you can see.

Wha???

dirtyheifer4
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

One of my cats, Heifer, is a beautiful black and white long-hair variety. Unfortunately, he likes to roll around in dirt. He came in the other day completely covered in dirt. So covered in dirt, in fact, that when I patted him on the side, a cloud of dust formed. Last night was even better. He was covered in dirt, as usual, but this time there were bits of tree stuck all over his fur. I wish I could attach a little camera to his collar so I could see exactly what he does when he goes out!

I aint movin' for nobody!

I was laying in bed on Sunday, determined to stay there until a ridiculous hour of day, when I heard one of the cats mewing outside of the bedroom window. Matt was in the livingroom getting ready for work, so I called the landline from my cell phone, and asked him to let the cat in. He had the nerve to call me lazy! Me! Lazy!

Email of the day!

Thanks, Jenny for the fun read!

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.