It can only get better from here

I have these great pants that I haven't worn in awhile, and I decided to give them a "comeback moment" today for work. Unfortunately said "comeback moment" has turned into several not so pleasant moments. Please take my advice, and try old favorites on before you wear them out in public.

1. I think my behind and thighs have gotten a bit larger, because my pants don't quite fit right anymore. Sure, they look alright on, but the pockets won't stay put! The pants have buttons on both sides, above the pockets, to create a bit of a "sailor" look. They're very cute, but if they don't fit just right, the pocket insides pooch out. I have to walk around with my hands in my pockets so that I don't look lame.

2. The pants lace up the back, and the laces are really long, so they hang down, kindof like a tail. It sounds silly, now that I've typed it out, but trust me, they're great. They're a nice charcoal color, so they work just fine for the office. I like to call it "office flair". I learned the importance of not forgetting previous wardrobe malfunctions today. I went to the restroom, and just before I proceeded to let go of my willpower, I looked into that little space between the edge of the seat and my crotch, and lo and behold, there were my laces. In the water. Timing is everything, girls.

Who knew that it was possible to curse in silence? Probably a good thing. Can you imagine sitting in an office restroom, occupying the stall next to a woman who suddenly starts yelling vulgarities? It would probably freak the average girl out.

Needless to say, I grabbed toilet paper as fast as I could, and started attempting to dry my laces. As previously stated, the laces are charcoal in color. Yes, you guessed it, there were little bits of white toilet paper all over my laces. Damn. I proceeded to finish my business, then grabbed paper towels to do the job. They don't leave as much behind as toilet paper does.

3. I finally got back to my desk, and proceeded to do my work. At one point I looked down. I don't know what caused me to look down, but now I'm glad I did. I will be keeping my legs crossed for the remainder of the day. The seam is coming apart. The hem isn't coming loose, and a button isn't coming off, no. The seam on the upper thigh of my left leg is coming loose. Beautiful.