Wow. Just......wow.

Matt and I went out for dinner on Tuesday night at this really great place in West Seattle called West5 - they have fantastic macaroni and cheese. After we finished dinner, I got up to use the bathroom. I don't know about the men's restroom, but the women's has one freakishly large stall, and one freakishly small. The large was in use when I walked in, so I decided to brave the smaller of the 2. When I closed the door, it was about 2 inches away from my nose. I'm surprised I was able to sit down without hitting my knees.

The girl in the other stall was singing. Seriously.

Just as I was noticing that my feet stuck out from under the stall door, and realizing that the other girl was able to see my shoes as she was leaving, it got very dark in the room. She had turned the light off. She hadn't seen my shoes.

There was a brief moment when I could have yelled, before the door shut behind her. I was thinking "Say something! Yell Kim!!", but nothing came out. I just sat there in the dark. There weren't any windows in the bathroom. It was really freakin' dark, and I was in a tiny stall. I reached my hands over and found the toilet paper dispenser. Frantically turning the roll, I realized I couldn't find the end of the roll. Oh my god. I started to freak out and thrash a little bit.

Think Kim. Think. Maybe I should just start yelling. No. I'll just sit here and wait for someone to come in and then I can thank them for turning the light back on. No. Maybe I can waddle out of the stall and turn the light on, then run back to the stall before anyone sees me. No. Dammit.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Scenario: You're in a restroom at an eating establishment. There are two stalls. DON'T TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

I do what the voices tell me to

I have a tendency to come up with very convincing arguments for staying in bed when I'm half asleep. These arguments make perfect sense during that brief moment it takes to press "snooze", and they make for very entertaining reflection once fully upright. This is the progressive conversation I had with myself this morning; No joke:

6:35am: "They prefer it when I don't get up until 7:15." Snooze.

7:14am: "My alarm cycle won't coincide with 7:15. I'll wait until 7:20, because I have to make sure that I get up on an even 5 minute mark." Snooze.

7:20am (fully upright): "Who the hell are 'They' and why would they care if I get up before 7:15???"

I swear to god I must have been abducted by aliens at some point.

Say it like you mean it!

There are times that I wish I hadn't given this url to my family. I mean, I love my family and all, and I think this is a great way for everyone to keep up with what I'm doing, but sometimes I wish I still had to send out a long email once a week. Heather is the creator of one of my newfound favorite websites. She is married with a daughter, and she has a fascinating way of telling funny stories about her boobs and constipation. She also curses more than anyone else I have met (in person or in writing). She inspires me.

I've had the desire to express myself by way of vulgarities, but I have to limit myself to "damn" or "ass" for fear of offending loved ones. Sure, there's the strategically placed asterisk, but that option always seems to convey a cuteness that I'm just not in the mood for.

Have you kissed a leprechaun lately?

Are you wearing green today?

No. I'm wearing totally hot shoes, so I'm exempt.

They must be pretty hot if you're exempt from wearing green.

Oh, they're hot. So hot as to be impractical!

That's pretty hot!

Riding in style

I have a new bike! Matt and I went shopping yesterday to see what was available, and I came home with one! I can't wait to get a basket with plastic flower decorations and some streamers! Look out pedestrians! Weee!!!

Modern technology takes a turn for the worst

mattkim
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

I finally figured out how to post pictures on my blog. I rock. And Matt rocks too, as you can see.

Wha???

dirtyheifer4
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

One of my cats, Heifer, is a beautiful black and white long-hair variety. Unfortunately, he likes to roll around in dirt. He came in the other day completely covered in dirt. So covered in dirt, in fact, that when I patted him on the side, a cloud of dust formed. Last night was even better. He was covered in dirt, as usual, but this time there were bits of tree stuck all over his fur. I wish I could attach a little camera to his collar so I could see exactly what he does when he goes out!

I aint movin' for nobody!

I was laying in bed on Sunday, determined to stay there until a ridiculous hour of day, when I heard one of the cats mewing outside of the bedroom window. Matt was in the livingroom getting ready for work, so I called the landline from my cell phone, and asked him to let the cat in. He had the nerve to call me lazy! Me! Lazy!

Email of the day!

Thanks, Jenny for the fun read!

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Flying blind

Vancouver was great, and customs was relatively uneventful. Coming back to the states the officer found Matt's bags of loose leaf tea rather interesting. Of course it didn't help that they were packed in perfect little paper-bag bricks. I guess it was a good thing we opted to skip on the Cuban cigars.

While up north I acquired a new found respect for ramen noodles. Yeah, you read right. Ramen, baby. There was a Japanese place right by our B&B that served sushi and noodles. We went there twice. Of all the wonderful food options within walking distance, we went out for noodle soup two times. The attraction might not have had anything to do with the food; maybe it was the service. One afternoon we decided that we wanted to try Korean food. Bust. We went to several restaurants and finally gave up on any hope of understanding what was going on with the menu. The ramen place was similar. Lots of Japanese characters which were interrupted periodically with English. The ratio of Japanese to English seemed a little skewed to me, though it was nice to see at least a little English, not like the Korean places. There were a few pictures on the menu, but again, not nearly as many pictures as there were Japanese descriptions. Well, we knew that we wanted soup, and that was good enough apparently. When the server came over and found out we wanted soup, not sushi, she immediately started asking questions. What type of noodle? Meat? Broth base? Somehow I ended up ordering teriyaki chicken with ramen noodles and miso broth. As the server walked away I looked at Matt and asked, "So, do you suppose she's going to bring us soup?" He shrugged.

We went to the aquarium one afternoon. I must go to an aquarium every time I leave town. I must go to the Seattle aquarium! The beluga whales were by far the coolest. They smile! They're so peaceful the way they just float around. They swim for a bit, and then they just stop moving and float up to the surface. Amazing. They induced entertaining conversation as we walked back to our room:

Matt: So, do you suppose they have to kill the whales to get the caviar?
Me: I would imagine they could just be sedated and someone reaches in.
Matt: Possibly.
Me: Wait, aren't whales mammals?
Matt: Yeah, they are.
Both: Huh!

Anyone know where beluga caviar comes from if not from beluga whales?

You can never be too careful

Matt and I are leaving on Monday for a week-long trip up to Vancouver BC. Crossing the border can be pretty scary sometimes. Customs officers are intimidating. I always have this fear that they will send me to jail. I don't know if they have that authority, but the possibility always freaks me out. The last time I went up to Canada, the customs officer looked through my bag, asking if I had packed any food. Of course, not knowing any better at the time, I had a few pieces of fruit in my bag. I now understand that you really shouldn't bring fruit across borders. The customs officer found my apple and threw it across the room as if he were throwing the winning pitch at the championship game. He threw it back to the other side of the border. At the time it scared the hell out of me, but now I hope it happens again so I can find it amusing. I equate it to what I would expect out of skydiving. The first time you jump, the trip is a big fantastic rush, but you don't remember much when you reach the ground. But the second time you know what to expect, so you have time to enjoy the ride.

I've missed you guys so much!

I've had a bad headcold. The other day, I actually became excited about my boogers.

You know the routine. You have a nasty cold for a week and have to call in sick for a few days. You realize that things are looking up when you're laying in bed at night and your nostrils start doing that popping thing, and you're suddenly able to breathe through your nose. A day or two later you perform your ritual of the morning nose blow, and boogers come out. Actual firm little boogers. What a relief!

Just laugh it off!

Thank you, Matt, for making me laugh in the midst of a small crisis. An entry from his blog:

"...Kim grabbed a hold of the mattress and box spring, and heaved them up against the wall. Bluish fuzzies all over the bedframe. On the headboard against the wall, on the back of the bedside table. In the closet. On her formal gowns. Curious, I looked at the fuzzies under the microscope, and a chilling fear gripped me. They were in uniform. They had gotten themselves organized. They had declared war without telling us. The bedframe was our Pearl Harbor. Tuesday will live in infamy."

Email of the day!

In today's mail bag, we have a message from Mom. Let's see what she has to say:

Sunday the kids were playing out in the woods when Nathan came in and said, "Daddy, Lindsay has a major problem!" Of course we asked what the problem was. As Lindsay came in behind, looking like she wasn't sure what to think but it probably wasn't good, he said, "A slug crawled into her shoe and is taking a nap!" What??? She came limping in and said it was "Squishy". Ugh! I had her sit down and removed her boot. Sure enough, there was a slug in the bottom of her boot! It's nap looked to have turned into a very long sleep though.

Why don't we start by you telling me what you want me to say

I've decided that I'm tired of defending the logistics of my relationship to people who 1. Don't know me very well, or 2. Don't spend any time with Matt and I as a couple.

I've been having a lot of relationship conversations with people lately, which tend to stem from me bringing up our vacation plans for next month. Let's pretend I'm having a conversation with "Joe". This is generally what happens:

J: Hey Kim, how've you been doing?
M: Oh, good - Anxious for next month's vacation!
J: Oh yeah? What's the plan?
M: Matt and I are going up to Vancouver for a week!
J: That's sweet. How long have you two been together? It's been awhile, hasn't it?
M: 2 years next month.
J: Wow, has it been that long?
M: Mmm.
J: So, any talk of a ring?(or "any thoughts of marriage?"...Etc; You get the idea)
M: No, not really (Casually)
J: Hmm. Really? (Shocked expression ensues)

Now, this is where things get tricky. I've tried all sorts of responses in attempt to close the conversation while reassuring Joe that things are just fine, but nothing seems to be working so far. I've tried explaining that Matt and I are really laid back about our relationship and we're in no rush. I've even tried making conversation light; saying something to the effect of "We're too busy having fun right now to think about getting married." If I try this method with Joe, he then accuses me of thinking that the fun ends with marriage, which usually results in Joe giving a lecture, in an effort to rewire my brain to think differently.

I've thought about letting Joe end the conversation with the look of shock so that I can just walk away, but I'm fairly certain that such an action would just reinforce Joe's impression that I'm not content with my situation, and that behind closed doors Matt and I chase each other around the house with frying pans and butter knives.

I actually started to think there was something wrong with me for not trying to coax Matt into marriage or not window shopping for fluffy white dresses. Then I realized that none of these people spend time with Matt and I together. If they had, they would realize that we have a very wonderful and rare relationship which is incredibly solid.

Sure we have tense moments; I insist on living out of a laundry basket rather than just putting my clothes away, and Matt doesn't unball his socks when he takes them off. I don't always floss my teeth, and Matt doesn't refill the soap dispenser at the bathroom sink. Yes, these things do drive us crazy sometimes, but we have enough love and good times to more than balance things out, and I'm sure our relationship will continue to be fantastic whether I have a monopolized piece of glass on my hand or not.

Personal bubble

Yesterday evening when I boarded the bus I noticed that there was a woman occupying two of the front seats; She had put her bag on one seat, and had her legs propped up in such a way as to block anyone from sitting next to her. There were plenty of other empty seats on the bus, but I really felt like being a pain in the ass, so I stood next to her and made her move her stuff so I could sit down. Of course, it wasn't easy for her to move her bag - she had to fumble a lot in order to make me aware of just how difficult I was making her life, as well as the 4 people who were standing behind me, waiting for an opportunity to pass. As I sat down I thought, "Welcome to rush hour, Honey."

My poor attitude is precisely the reason I should never drive a car.

Have we met? You smell so familiar...

The guy sitting next to me on the bus this morning smelled like ground beef.

I'm not kidding.

Merry Christmas, UPS!

I know I haven't posted in quite some time. It's the holidays. I make good pie. Everyone suddenly remembered that I make good pie about a week before Christmas. Yeah. I've been busy.

Christmas eve morning I was sitting on my bed after taking a very relaxing shower, painting my toenails. I heard the screech of large tires, and looked up to see one UPS guy standing outside of the truck, looking at the house, and another UPS guy in the back of the truck finding my package. It was right about then that I realized the reason I could see the UPS guy was that my blinds were open. It was right about THEN that I realized I was topless.

Jump off the bed, run out to the front room and hide behind the front door. Muster up a little courage and look out the peep hole to watch for the truck to drive away. Observe UPS guy #1 smiling. Pray that UPS guy #2 told a really good joke.

Missing you....

I received a Christmas card in the mail from my grandparents yesterday. Inside grandma says, "We hope you're still with Matt". Either: 1. She really likes Matt, but has no faith in my ability to keep a man, or 2. She really likes Matt, and I'm not good at keeping in touch. Either way, my grandmother likes my boyfriend. Weeee!

Helping hand

There should be a handle in women's restroom stalls. Nothing major - just a little handle on the inside of the door. Y'know, something for us "hoverers" to hold on to when we're going about our business. This would be especially helpful in bar restrooms. I don't know of many women who can do a balanced squat in high-heels after a few drinks. In my experience, it's a big ol' disaster.