Cooking Lessons Needed

Yesterday I was talking with one of my friends and she was telling me about her successful egg boiling experience. She started telling me how she followed the directions exactly, and I thought, "I didn't know that there were directions! You mean boiling an egg isn't just tribal knowledge????" So I went home after work and looked in my favorite cookbook, and sure enough...directions for boiling an egg. And do you know what else??? I've been doing it all wrong.

Where's that damn rock when I need it???

Y'know when you meet new friends, and you really enjoy hanging out with them? Y'know how you usually try to be nice, so they'll like you back, and want to continue hanging out with you?

If you read those last two sentences, you might be led to believe that I understand this process.

The other day I was hanging out with a newly acquired friend, and he was telling me a story about a recent grocery shopping trip. Apparently he was having a hard time finding the corn, and finally had to ask for help. When the clerk took him to the corn, he realized that the reason he couldn't find it was that he was looking for the color yellow. When he told me that last part, I reacted without thinking, "You're such a moron!" Luckily my new friend has a good sense of humor about the whole thing. Otherwise, I'm sure I could have found a way to roll my tongue up into my mouth, and pull my lower lip over my head.

Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

CANDY!!!!

GHAAAAAAA

Sorry, Kids. No more anonymous comments. I'm learning first hand about a new form of spam. Anonymous commenting. In the last few days I have received several anonymous comments which read something like this:

Reading your blog and I figured you'd be interested in advancing your life a bit, call us at 1-206-339-5106. No tests, books or exams, easiest way to get a Bachelors, Masters, MBA, Doctorate or Ph.D in almost any field.Totally confidential, open 24 hours a day.Hope to hear from you soon!

Awesome, no?

Product Placement

Y'know when you're at the grocery store, and there are always "impulse buy" items hanging on little racks along the aisles? The other day I saw toy handcuffs hanging by the condoms. Those crazy kids working at QFC sure do know how to have a good time!

Spreading The Word

I received this email today, and it's really a pretty fantastic idea. Since I have many readers who's email addresses I don't have, I thought I would post the information here.

ICE - In Case of Emergency

A campaign encouraging people to enter an emergency contact number in their mobile phone's memory under the heading ICE (In Case of Emergency), has rapidly spread throughout the world as a particular consequence of last week's terrorist attacks in London.

Originally established as a nation-wide campaign in the UK, ICE allows paramedics or police to be able to contact a designated relative / next-of-kin in an emergency situation.

The idea is the brainchild of East Anglian Ambulance Service paramedic Bob Brotchie and was launched in May this year. Bob, 41, who has been a paramedic for 13 years, said: "I was reflecting on some of the calls I've attended at the roadside where I had to look through the mobile phone contacts struggling for information on a shocked or injured person. Almost everyone carries a mobile phone now, and with ICE we'd know immediately who to contact and what number to ring. The person may even know of their medical history."

By adopting the ICE advice, your mobile will help the rescue services quickly contact a friend or relative - which could be vital in a life or death situation. It only takes a few seconds to do, and it could easily help save your life. Why not put ICE in your phone now? Simply select your person to contact in case of emergency, enter them under the word 'ICE' and the telephone number of the person you wish to be contacted.

For more than one contact name ICE1, ICE2, ICE3 etc.

Rockin' the Casbah

Traci!!!!
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

I haven't mentioned Traci in quite some time. Yes, she's still on my list of neat people. She just moved in to a new place right by mine...and she has a CAR. You know what that means, right? Grocery shopping, people!!! Traci and I went shopping together yesterday. We were both planning to get a lot of stuff, so we each had our own cart and we followed each other around the store - It was the Great Shopping Caravan!

The other day I needed Traci to move some pictures from her digital camera to a disk for me. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but she included a few extras. For your viewing pleasure....TRACI!!!

Making Dad Proud

My dad was in town this weekend, so we went downtown on Saturday night for some live music. Dad is pretty fun to go out with, on account of his tendency to buy rounds of tequila shots. Of course, once that kicks in, the dancing starts...and usually doesn't stop until the music ends. The reason for this particular outing was to see a blues guitarist named Nick Vigarino, who my dad has seen on several occasions. When we got up to leave, Nick thanked us for coming. He shook my dad's hand, looked right into his face, and said, "You're daughter's a total fox!"

Woop it up!

Happy Birthday to my little brother Nathan today! He's the grand age of 8 already! I was thinking there might be a way to record myself singing happy birthday, so I could set it up as background music when you open my page...but trust me, it's much better this way.

View from my livingroom

View from my livingroom
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

Here's another view from my livingroom - this time complete with water! It's nice in the mornings when the fog hasn't burned off, watching the ferry boats floating around.

View through a screen

View through a screen
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

My new apartment rocks socks, people! Here is a view from my livingroom. Unfortunately there's a bit of a window screen issue, but you get the idea.

It's all inside

Most of the people I work with are surprised when they find out how young I am. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that view, so I'm really putting an effort into refraining from doing the following:

-Run down the aisle squealing "It's my birthday on Sunday! It's my birthday on Sunday!"
-Pirouette in front of random colleague's cubicle.
-Pirouette again.
-Resume running and squealing.

A new chapter

My cell phone was stolen on Friday. Kindof. I lost it somewhere, and when I called my carrier, they found that it had been used to send text messages that afternoon. So, I have a new one. It's a lot cuter and smaller than the old one, probably on account of the fact that the old one was free when I opened an account. Things have changed in the last 3 years!

I was definitely due for an upgrade, I just wasn't counting on being forced into the change on the same weekend that I was scheduled to move. Not only was it an additional financial burden, but I was in the midst of arranging moving parties, and I didn't have a phone. The girl from TMobile was absolutely fantastic, and she offered to ship my new phone via Air Express free of charge, but I still wouldn't have a phone until Monday or even Tuesday. Luckily my good friend Don came to the rescue, letting me borrow his extra business phone, so all was well again. I still had to call around to my landlord, moving friends, moving company, etc. to give the temporary phone number, but I was relieved that I was able to reach out to people.

So, I have a new phone. And a new apartment. I love my apartment, and I'm slowly getting used to my phone.

Oh! There you are!

I'm back! Hopefully this will help resolve some of the drama in my life. Welcome to my new home! As you may have noticed, comments are back, baby! Now Sean can resume enjoying my mother's comments, and the 'Anonymous' friend that I invited over can resume yelling at me when I don't post fast enough.

Please excuse our mess

'Musings of a pastry case' will be temporarily unavailable on account of recent nastiness and threats. Please tune in next week or the week after, depending on when the dust settles.

God Bless Us, Everyone!

Thank you for the nice words.

I've received several emails since my last post, some from friends, some from people I don't even know. I think its fabulous that in the middle of all the hate and ugliness, there are still people with nice things to say, who will go out of their way to say them.

Side note - 'Anonymous' who ruined everyone's fun is not the same as "Post Post Post!!!" 'Anonymous'. This entry is dedicated to the latter. More than one word, even!

All good things must come to an end

Unfortunately I have been forced to remove the comments option from my blog, kids. It appears that my anonymous "friend" isn't such a great friend after all.

Hey, Anonymous...yeah, You. In case you weren't aware, this is MY turf, and I am god. Next time you're going to post a comment somewhere, try to make it less obvious that you don't care to understand what you're talking about. Oh, and if you're going to make especially mean statements, be sure to have the balls to give your identity.

To everyone else - if you really can't cope with the lack of comment opportunities, or you just want to say "Hey, I appreciate the things you have to say", or "I really dig your brother's story - fab, baby, just fab!", feel free to email me - a link to my email address is located in my profile.

Worth Writing Home About

I recently received a package in the mail that made my week sunny and nice. My little brother and sister sent me some artwork they had created, and my brother sent a story he had written.

For everyone's reading pleasure, my almost 8-year-0ld brother's story! (If you're good, I might let you see the artwork at a later date...)

Brass was a beetle who had black wings and was two stories high. One day he was looking for roses to eat. He was looking deep into the forest. Suddenly, he came upon an old old city. There was moss covering every building and there were no people. Suddenly, Brass found what he was looking for, sweet smelling red roses. Then he found a deep twisty hole under the rose bush. So he ate a rose. Then a ghost came out of the hole! Then Brass spit the petals out! Then he ran into one of the buildings! So the ghost raced after him! Then the ghost was right beside him. The ghost said, "Boo!" Then Brass smashed into a wall and it broke to bits. Then brass said, "Ouch!" So the ghost said, "Boo!" Brass turned around, went through the doorway, ran through the forest and all the way home. He never ever went back again. He lived happily ever after.

The end.

Worst weekend EVER.

I've had a horrible 3 days. The finer points:

1. Apparently my privacy and comfort levels don't mean shit to some people.
2. Apparently if you intentionally make decisions that will make my life difficult, it just means that we have different priorities, and I need to learn to deal.
3. Apparently storing your stuff somewhere means that you "live" there, and anyone who thinks differently best recognize.
4. Apparently Skagit County jail sucks. Bad. ("Apparently" is the part which signifies that I had nothing to do with it, Mom.)

On a positive note...Woodinville is a pretty short drive from Seattle, and the wineries aren't so bad. Washington state has a standard which requires that reserve wines only include the top 10% of the fruit. Grand reserves are only 1%. Washington is the only state that has any such standards, and if word gets out that you aren't following along, it makes people wanna bust a cap...That, or they just make it pretty difficult for you to acquire things like bottles and corks.

Something New.

Happy?

Spiders Have Taken Over My House.

You think I'm kidding.

I woke up at 11:30 last night with a spider crawling on my arm. I must have been really sleepy, because I didn't immediately fly out of bed. In fact, I sat up and actually contemplated going back to sleep without investigating. "There was a spider crawling on your arm, you (expletive) twit! Turn the light on and do something about it!" It was a very "Get up, Trinity. Get UP!" moment. I turned on the light and found a small, but fat, black spider hanging out by my pillow. Caught him. Flushed him down the toilet. Somehow managed to fall back asleep.

This morning as I was contemplating how I could possibly go to work without having to get out of bed, I noticed another spider on the ceiling. This one was brown and skinny. Skinny, yes, but not any less freakish than the fat black one. I looked at this spider on the ceiling, and thought, "Hmm. I'm not tall enough to reach it. Maybe it will go over to the wall so I can catch it." As the spider started crawling across the ceiling, above my bed, I thought, "What if it dropped? What if it dropped right now?? No, wait. What if it dropped right as it reached the space above my head???" I'm sure you can imagine my surprise when it reached the space above my head, and actually dropped. Shrieking and throwing of blankets ensued.

Mornin'.

Unexpected

Calm can be a funny thing. We convince ourselves that it's the reaction we want, but it has the ability to make things feel worse.

Reality Check

I recently came to the sudden realization that I'm turning 25 in two months, and I'm not doing what I thought I would be. I've been doing a lot of re-evaluating.

I always fancied myself as the girl from the movies who uproots herself and runs away to live in another country.

Of course, I know it's the romance of it all that I find attractive, but I feel that I'm not as adventurous as I always thought I would be. I watch myself living in the suburbs, getting up every day to go work at a desk in an office building, and I think, "This is not my life! Who's freakin' life am I living???"

I hate the thought that this may be all I'll ever do, y'know? I've kept myself from branching out by convincing myself that I'm "tied down" with my job, bills, and other responsibilities. Now I'm starting to realize that I was just hiding behind those things so that I wouldn't have to approach the "unknown".

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate feeling secure in my job, and having a nice place to come home to, but I don't want to end up in my 30's, wondering why I didn't explore other possibilities. I've had conversations with older friends who talk about how they don't like the direction their life has taken, and that they haven't accomplished some of the things they'd set out to. I remember having these conversations and thinking, "That won't be me; I'm going to embrace life and the opportunities that I have to explore other things." Now I'm starting to realize that I'm not far off from those friends, age or mentality-wise, and I don't want to end up with the regrets that they have.

I think I'd like to save up and go somewhere in a year or so. Just take off and live somewhere strange and non-touristy for a few months. A "Self Discovery" of sorts. I'll have enough saved up to pay rent while I'm gone, and I'll schedule an extended leave of absence from work.

Running away from it all, responsibly!

Do not try this at home

So, when I blow my nose, I get paranoid about leftovers, so I always have to look to make sure that I've done an adequate job of cleaning things up. Yesterday I locked myself in a bathroom stall for the initial sinus flushing, then I went to the mirror to check on my progress. As I was lifting the end of my nose to look in my left nostril, my finger slipped, and I jabbed myself in the eye.

At first, I was in a state of shock. "I can't believe I just did that!" However, my amazement was soon replaced by really intense pain, and then the waterworks started up.

Unlike the underwear conversation of a few weeks ago, I did not divulge too much information this time! Even though I only told my coworker that I had poked myself in the eye, he still made fun of me.

Not for the weak - Lots of italics coming your way.

I've been sick for the last 2 weeks, and quite frankly, I'm starting to feel a little broken. Sometimes I hear about people getting sick and how their sickness ends up being more than they bargained for. You know how it is...I'm sick with blah, and as an unexpected result, this happened. That's what my sickness has been like, except this time, I got hit with all of the unexpected results.

Things started off innocently enough - a slight sore spot in the back of my throat; Itchy ears. The next morning I had a full blown sore throat. A few days later I was stuffed up, and then the next day I started coughing. Not just a cough...but coughing stuff up. Gross.

A week later I went to the doctor because I was still feeling like hell and leaving work early every other day or so. Lucky for me (and him), this particular doctor is really good at seeming to give a damn about how I feel, so that was nice. Unfortunately, I no longer have a silly little cold. I have a sinus infection.

So, now I've missed nearly a work of week all together, I've paid for a doctor's visit, and a prescription for antibiotics. I've finished my bottle of Nyquil by now, so I have to get more. This is getting quite expensive.

Matt dropped my prescription request off on his way to the gym, and called to let me know it would be ready in about 30 minutes. An hour later I still had not left for the drugstore, because I was still sitting on the toilet. It wasn't that things weren't happening initially, but things stopped happening just short of being productive. It was right about then that I realized, I haven't pooped in 3 days. Luckily Matt and I have been together long enough that I can make silly requests such as, "Hey Honey, would you mind running to the store real quick to get me some strawberry ice cream? Oh, and while you're at it, why don't you pick up an enema?"

Well, we got that disaster under control. I finally got to a point that I didn't think I would need Nyquil to sleep, but after last night I realize that I've come to depend on it for sleep.

I forgot to take acidophilus when I started taking my antibiotics. I have the worst yeast infection ever. Ever. This is coming from someone who would know what the worst ever should be like. So, now I'm popping supplements like candy, in hopes of catching up and realigning my system.

I equate the last 2 weeks to the following:

I'm in an airplane and I've just gotten used to the bumpy flight when I hear, "Attention passengers. This is your pilot. It seems that we're about to enter the eye of the storm, so I ask that everyone fasten their seatbelts and remain calm while we ride this one out." Shortly thereafter we nosedive and crash in the middle of a war zone. I regain consciousness just in time to hear, "Fiiiiiire in the hole!"

I've come to terms with the fact that I'm bound to acquire another more annoying ailment. I'm just having a hard time preparing myself for something worse than fire in the hole.

And it slowly sinks in...

The other day I was part of a conversation about the benefits/downfalls of dating someone who is religious, when you're not. Someone piped up that they had dated a Mormon once. I thought to myself, "Wow, I think this guy takes the corruption cake with that one." Then I thought further..."Wait. You're gay."

So when do you suppose it hit the other guy? "No matter how much I pray; No matter how many goats I sacrifice, I'm never getting my planet back."

Making the world uncomfortable, one colleague at a time.

If one of your coworkers asks how you're doing today, and you, being the funny person that you are, say "Well, I'm not wearing underwear, so I'm sure it will be a fantastic day!", and said coworker doesn't immediately start laughing, it would be a good time to start apologizing and offering to buy lunch.

Is HR in on this???

The company that I work for is really big on diversity, and I'm always getting "group communication" emails inviting me to brown bag lunches or workshops which are designed to promote diversity. We've got the Martin Luther King thing down like nobody's business.

Last week everyone received an email invite for "Understanding White Culture". As we were all trying to absorb what we were reading, we heard a faint voice across the expanse of cubicles, "Oh yeah, I nearly forgot - April is Cracker Awareness Month!"

Lesson learned.

You know the compressed air you can get for cleaning your keyboard? Never, under any circumstances, should you use said canned air to deal with static in your skirt.

Please disregard the previous statement if you want your upper thighs and crotch to be encased in ice, and therefore outlive the rest of your body.

Of course, if nothing else, it's highly entertaining to see your colleagues fall out of their chairs from laughing so hard.

I do NOT have PMS, you bastards!

Why is it that people on the bus feel the need to sit close enough to me that we touch arms? I fucking hate that! I am not a large person, and neither are you - there's absolutely no reason for us to be touching! This has been happening on a daily basis, with a variety of riders. People are gross. Don’t touch me if I don't know you!!! I'm tired of having to sit against the wall, with my outside arm across my chest. I mean, which is worse - touching another person, or touching part of the bus?

And another thing.

Why is it such a pain in the ass for people to rinse out a milk jug and toss it in the recycling? This morning I went to make my latte, and there were *4* cartons in the refrigerator with tiny bits of milk in the bottom. This also happens a lot. Apparently if you see that there isn't enough milk for an entire drink, you're supposed to just ignore it and open a new carton. This doesn't usually bother me, but this morning, as I was busy emptying the first of *4* cartons into my pitcher, I nearly got sick from the smell…then I realized the expiration date on that particular carton was April 01. What is wrong with people????

I should write a book. Musings of a Corporate Peon: A Tale of The Peons Who Make My Life a Pain in The Ass.

Do the whale thing!

Beluga
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

After Matt and I went to the Vancouver aquarium, he perfected a really fantastic Beluga whale impression. Matt pulls his arms to his sides and flaps his hands while he bobs up and down, keeping a very peaceful smile on his face the entire time. I laugh hysterically every time he does this. It's so funny, in fact, that I make him do it for people all the time. Not because I want to embarrass him, but because I think everyone should get to know the hysteria that is Matt.

I ruined a good thing.

Easter Sunday we were at his mother's house for dinner, and we started talking about our trip. Of course...Perfect segue to the Beluga whale impression! So, Matt, the obedient boyfriend that he is, stands up to start doing his act. Before Matt gets a chance to show off his newfound talent, his mother starts to tell a story about her Beluga whale experience. Please keep in mind that we had enjoyed some wine by this point.

"I went to the aquarium and saw the Beluga whales one time. There was one whale off in the corner amusing himself by bobbing around. He must have been really enjoying himself, because he had an erection the entire time!"

Matt refuses to do his Beluga whale impression now.

Email of the day!

I wish I could write Christmas letters like this.

Friends and Family,

We all have lofty aspirations in life, and I am proud to announce I have attained a lifelong goal that I once thought was merely a fantasy.

Yes, I am proud to say I am now a resident of the beautiful greater Federal Way, Washington area.

Aghast with envy you might be, I know. Sure, you North Sounders have your lakes, your arts communities, your BMW's and two car garages.

But I have chosen a different path, a path wrought with the exhaust belching from the rears of an endless line of 1980 Chevy Citations and 1984 Buick LeSabres, a path lined with 17 Office Depots, 42 Radio Shacks and 187 Teriyaki joints, a path that I affectionately refer to as "320th Avenue South." And at the end of that path lay my own slice of heaven, my own nirvana if you will. It's the Arco Gas Hut on the corner of 320th Avenue South and Pacific Highway. If there is a greater place to be on this earth at 4:26 AM on a Tuesday morning, please let me know where it is.

Sure, go ahead, laugh. I laugh as well, to tears of remorse each and every day, but have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, you didn't ever take the time to learn about the real Federal Way? I know how you snotty North Sounders are. I used to be one.

Have you ever thought that, hey, perhaps Federal Way can offer it's residents superior community services? Maybe Federal Way provides a relatively unknown yet vibrant cultural scene? What about fine restaurants, and institutions of higher education? Did you ever think to yourself that maybe Federal Way might offer any one of these things, or could even offer all of them at once?

Well, before you go jumping to conclusions, let me answer that question for you.

It offers absolutely none of these things.

Not even a tractor pull for God's sakes.

Just so you guys can have a little more information on my new hometown, I took some time and compiled some interesting trivia about Federal Way, and now I would like to share that with you.

A Detailed History of Federal Way

Federal Way used to be a highway. Then there was a Kmart. Then some guy opened a sword shop. Then some people got shot. Then some fat guys built a freeway exit. Then the people demanded places that offered quality donuts at reasonable prices. And today, Federal Way is a really good place to be if you find yourself in the market for a laundry hamper.

And that's what happened. Quaint, isn't it?

Here's some more information I curtailed from a book called "Reasons You'll Love Federal Way!". Actually, it's not really a book, it was more of a leaflet. A really small one, stuck on my doorknob. Half of the leaflet was reasons I'd love Federal Way, the other half was a coupon for 10% off Cheese Bread at one of 56 participating Federal Way area Domino's Pizza outlets.

FEDERAL WAY, WASHINGTON

Defined: Federal Way is a derivative of an ancient Klickitat Tribe term "Federah Whaya Hye", which, literally translated, means "Hey, let's dump all our shit here."

Population: 121,723
Number of Pedestrians hit by cars in 2004: 121,723

Unemployment Rate: 99.9%

Primary Industries: Strip mall construction; Mattress sales; Thuggery; Loitering; Abandoning cars; Production of unwanted children; Welfare Disbursement offices; Narcotics.

Educational Facilities: DeVry institute, Scuba Division. Dress Barn Training Center. Washington State DUI Victim's Panel Conference Center. Getting beaten up on the street.

Official Federal Way color: Tar
Commentary: Tie between Tar and Suffocating Exhaust, which I did not
know was a color.

Official Federal Way bird: Pigeon
Commentary: Apparently this only applies to a pigeons with a beak. They are protected. If you run over a pigeon with a beak, you will be sentenced by a judge to spend 15 minutes in Sea-Tac Mall.

(Editor's Note: Oh, excuse me. It's no longer "Sea-Tac Mall." Now it's "The Commons at Federal Way", or "Downtown Federal Way." Which is like giving George Bush a sparkly wand and a princess hat and calling him "Peacekeeper." No matter what you call it, you still don't have to buy bullets down here. Just walk around the mall for a while and you'll be full of them. There's even a police station in the mall. Didn't get that? I'll say it again. There is a police station IN the mall.

Official Mascot: Food Stamp Freddie
Commentary: Food Stamp Freddie wanders aimlessly around Federal Way because he is unemployed and waiting for his welfare check. Wears oversized Raider jacket, and he's a Crip motherfucker, so don't you start steppin' to him.

Official Flower: Grime-covered decorative shrub with beer can in it. It's outside Arby's on 320th.
Commentary: For the love of God, don't eat at Arby's.

Official Flag: Surrender.

Local High School: Federal Way High School, home of the Federal Way Societal Burdens. The football team plays half-heartedly in the first quarter, then waits for the government to bail them out. All seats in the stadium are in Section 8.

The Official Motto of Federal Way hasn't been decided yet, but it has been narrowed down to ten finalists.

"Federal Way: Lamp Shades Always 20% Off."

"Federal Way: We're Sort Of Kind Of By The Airport."

"Federal Way: At Least We Ain't Burien."

"Federal Way: Where Anyone Can Be Better Than 95% of the Population, and Also Get 2 Free Tanning Sessions!"

"Federal Way: You Just Stepped In It."

"Federal Way: Dashing Your Dreams Since 1972."

"Federal Way: City of Hopes and Fears. Okay, Mostly Just Fears."

"Federal Way: Get Knocked Up by the Time You're 14."

"Federal Way: Urban Blight 365 Days a Year."

"Federal Way: Birthplace Of Wilbur Fortknee, 1974 US Enchilada Eating Champion."

Federal Way provided me with a wide array of apartment and condominium options to choose from, and some came without bars on the windows. I chose an "apartment community" called Cove East, whose sole purpose for existence is to deceive you into thinking that you aren't in Federal Way anymore. This is done with an amalgamation of visual tricks, such as trees, a big pond, and even a fake river. Seriously, I walk out of my "condominium-style" apartment, and there is a river, right there, for me to fall into.

For those really into nature, Cove East also provides an ample supply of violent, water-based fowl, whether you prefer perpetually angry and aggressive geese, or simply intestinally challenged ducks whose innards are unable to congeal their excrement into any type of solid, removable waste product, so what comes out is essentially the consistency of yogurt, yet with the adhesive qualities of Elmers Glue, so it just basically just sticks to my porch like a Van Gogh painting on a concrete canvas.

I've realized that management in my community cares little about the bird problem. They manage everything here except the ever-increasing proliferation of pond birds. In fact, the property is littered with signs supporting their continued evolution.

"Don't feed the ducks or the geese!" the signs scream. "Feeding the ducks and geese human foods will make them very sick, and they could die!"

And then it shows a picture of a sad goose. A sad goose? I know that goose doesn't live here. Most the geese here carry chainsaws.

Um, correct me if I'm wrong here, but isn't killing the geese the ultimate goal? Do we, as a community, want to remain ankle deep in stringy white goose turd? I think not. I do believe we should change the signs. "Please, oh, please, community members!" it should bellow, "Please feed the ducks and geese chili dogs, frozen pizzas, canned okra, and macaroni and cheese. Feed them paper clips, plastic packaging waste, hot wings and Eggo Walnut Waffles." This, at least, would get them out of the pool area.

Yes, the pool area. That has become the Baghdad of the Cove East bird population. Sure, they have a humungous pond the size of a football field to live in, complete with lily pads, reed banks and flowing streams. But where do they choose to reside? In the community swimming pool of course, which is right next to the pond. The geese own the pool, and mark their territory by shellaqing the pool deck with an amount of goose poop that is only exceeded by the amount of goose poop actually in the pool. Occasionally, the ducks, who act as the insurgents of Cove East Pool Area, will try to break into some pool space, but the geese attack and feathers fly. I could make a living stuffing pillows on the pool deck at Cove East. But anyways, I digress.

I've ascertained that the using word "community" here is really pushing it though, because generally people in my "community" stare at me with suspicion and contempt, usually from their porches where they can't ever seem to find the time to ooze their obese asses off of. I feel like I'm guilty, and I haven't even done anything. Then I decided to steal a bike, so then at least my guilt won't be unfounded. I think I stand out as one of those "city boys" with "one of dem collar thingys on his shirt." Maybe they are just startled that I have a job, or, more likely, they're just really high on spray paint.

Moving in was quick and painless, in the same sense that getting eaten by a shark is quick and painless. IKEA selected and delivered an unintentionally two-tone computer desk, which may have worked in the 70's, but not today.

Two-tone would not work, you see, because I chose to make all the furnishings in my apartment white, along with my white carpets and white walls, thinking that women would believe I’m a modern, progressive man. Instead, it just makes it easier for them to inspect my apartment and tell me where all the dirt is. Which is good, because living in a white apartment, I am actually forced to clean it every 12-16 hours. Normally, I'd probably do it every 12-16 months.

Lastly, I would like to thank the good employees at Comcast Cable and Internet Services, and offer my prayers that your corporate headquarters will someday release you from the barn you are housed in. When I called Comcast I said "Hey, can you guys come hook up my new 'ultra-modern white condo-style apartment'" (I was trying to impress them.) "Sure!" they said. "Can you be there tomorrow?" They must have been impressed that my apartment was all white.

So they came the next day, and the guy went through the usual routine of pretending like he was really busy "hooking up" my cable, when indeed all he was doing was flipping a switch. Then he left and my modem didn't work. "Gosh darn" I said, "what an unfortunate situation I find myself in."

Actually that's not what I said.

So I call Comcast and say, "Hey, the guy just left, and my modem is broken." "No problem," said the cheery, um, woman, at Comcast. "We can have someone come out there and fix it for you." (Silence). "In two weeks."

I said "Wow, how unfortunate I got stuck in this predicament."

Actually, that's not what I said.

So after verbally flogging the poor girl, I got it down to eight days, which they term "emergency service".

And just because of that, I'm going to become a fireman. And when their customer service center catches on fire, they can call me, yelling "FIRE! FIRE!" and I'll calmly say, "Well, I can come help you with that fire. Can you be there between noon and 6 pm 13 days from now and show me where the fire is?"

The moral of the story is the same one you learn from your gym. Once you sign on the dotted line, they don't care about you anymore. It's like getting married, only not as bad.

So having no cable service, no computer, and no TV, I spent a few days looking at the wall in my apartment. It was white.

Anyway, I'm at work, with a lot of time to kill on this slow night. I have to go actually "work", so I'll cut this short before Random House publishes it. (Next week, rather than write a notice, I will be sending you all a handcrafted origami aardvark.)

You can still contact me at (xxx) xxx-xxxx, unless I owe you money or just pretend to like you, in which case I was run over by an unmanned wheat combine last Monday.

So, if any of you are unlucky enough to ever be in Federal Way for a court appearance or a laundry hamper or something, or if you just happened to get into a head-on accident in the I-5 area, feel free to drop by my place, and if you bring any mud in, I'll be really pissed.

Later.

Mike

Wow. Just......wow.

Matt and I went out for dinner on Tuesday night at this really great place in West Seattle called West5 - they have fantastic macaroni and cheese. After we finished dinner, I got up to use the bathroom. I don't know about the men's restroom, but the women's has one freakishly large stall, and one freakishly small. The large was in use when I walked in, so I decided to brave the smaller of the 2. When I closed the door, it was about 2 inches away from my nose. I'm surprised I was able to sit down without hitting my knees.

The girl in the other stall was singing. Seriously.

Just as I was noticing that my feet stuck out from under the stall door, and realizing that the other girl was able to see my shoes as she was leaving, it got very dark in the room. She had turned the light off. She hadn't seen my shoes.

There was a brief moment when I could have yelled, before the door shut behind her. I was thinking "Say something! Yell Kim!!", but nothing came out. I just sat there in the dark. There weren't any windows in the bathroom. It was really freakin' dark, and I was in a tiny stall. I reached my hands over and found the toilet paper dispenser. Frantically turning the roll, I realized I couldn't find the end of the roll. Oh my god. I started to freak out and thrash a little bit.

Think Kim. Think. Maybe I should just start yelling. No. I'll just sit here and wait for someone to come in and then I can thank them for turning the light back on. No. Maybe I can waddle out of the stall and turn the light on, then run back to the stall before anyone sees me. No. Dammit.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.

Scenario: You're in a restroom at an eating establishment. There are two stalls. DON'T TURN THE LIGHT OFF!!!

I do what the voices tell me to

I have a tendency to come up with very convincing arguments for staying in bed when I'm half asleep. These arguments make perfect sense during that brief moment it takes to press "snooze", and they make for very entertaining reflection once fully upright. This is the progressive conversation I had with myself this morning; No joke:

6:35am: "They prefer it when I don't get up until 7:15." Snooze.

7:14am: "My alarm cycle won't coincide with 7:15. I'll wait until 7:20, because I have to make sure that I get up on an even 5 minute mark." Snooze.

7:20am (fully upright): "Who the hell are 'They' and why would they care if I get up before 7:15???"

I swear to god I must have been abducted by aliens at some point.

Say it like you mean it!

There are times that I wish I hadn't given this url to my family. I mean, I love my family and all, and I think this is a great way for everyone to keep up with what I'm doing, but sometimes I wish I still had to send out a long email once a week. Heather is the creator of one of my newfound favorite websites. She is married with a daughter, and she has a fascinating way of telling funny stories about her boobs and constipation. She also curses more than anyone else I have met (in person or in writing). She inspires me.

I've had the desire to express myself by way of vulgarities, but I have to limit myself to "damn" or "ass" for fear of offending loved ones. Sure, there's the strategically placed asterisk, but that option always seems to convey a cuteness that I'm just not in the mood for.

Have you kissed a leprechaun lately?

Are you wearing green today?

No. I'm wearing totally hot shoes, so I'm exempt.

They must be pretty hot if you're exempt from wearing green.

Oh, they're hot. So hot as to be impractical!

That's pretty hot!

Riding in style

I have a new bike! Matt and I went shopping yesterday to see what was available, and I came home with one! I can't wait to get a basket with plastic flower decorations and some streamers! Look out pedestrians! Weee!!!

Modern technology takes a turn for the worst

mattkim
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

I finally figured out how to post pictures on my blog. I rock. And Matt rocks too, as you can see.

Wha???

dirtyheifer4
Originally uploaded by pastry_child.

One of my cats, Heifer, is a beautiful black and white long-hair variety. Unfortunately, he likes to roll around in dirt. He came in the other day completely covered in dirt. So covered in dirt, in fact, that when I patted him on the side, a cloud of dust formed. Last night was even better. He was covered in dirt, as usual, but this time there were bits of tree stuck all over his fur. I wish I could attach a little camera to his collar so I could see exactly what he does when he goes out!

I aint movin' for nobody!

I was laying in bed on Sunday, determined to stay there until a ridiculous hour of day, when I heard one of the cats mewing outside of the bedroom window. Matt was in the livingroom getting ready for work, so I called the landline from my cell phone, and asked him to let the cat in. He had the nerve to call me lazy! Me! Lazy!

Email of the day!

Thanks, Jenny for the fun read!

Creation Story

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth, and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, and named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Flying blind

Vancouver was great, and customs was relatively uneventful. Coming back to the states the officer found Matt's bags of loose leaf tea rather interesting. Of course it didn't help that they were packed in perfect little paper-bag bricks. I guess it was a good thing we opted to skip on the Cuban cigars.

While up north I acquired a new found respect for ramen noodles. Yeah, you read right. Ramen, baby. There was a Japanese place right by our B&B that served sushi and noodles. We went there twice. Of all the wonderful food options within walking distance, we went out for noodle soup two times. The attraction might not have had anything to do with the food; maybe it was the service. One afternoon we decided that we wanted to try Korean food. Bust. We went to several restaurants and finally gave up on any hope of understanding what was going on with the menu. The ramen place was similar. Lots of Japanese characters which were interrupted periodically with English. The ratio of Japanese to English seemed a little skewed to me, though it was nice to see at least a little English, not like the Korean places. There were a few pictures on the menu, but again, not nearly as many pictures as there were Japanese descriptions. Well, we knew that we wanted soup, and that was good enough apparently. When the server came over and found out we wanted soup, not sushi, she immediately started asking questions. What type of noodle? Meat? Broth base? Somehow I ended up ordering teriyaki chicken with ramen noodles and miso broth. As the server walked away I looked at Matt and asked, "So, do you suppose she's going to bring us soup?" He shrugged.

We went to the aquarium one afternoon. I must go to an aquarium every time I leave town. I must go to the Seattle aquarium! The beluga whales were by far the coolest. They smile! They're so peaceful the way they just float around. They swim for a bit, and then they just stop moving and float up to the surface. Amazing. They induced entertaining conversation as we walked back to our room:

Matt: So, do you suppose they have to kill the whales to get the caviar?
Me: I would imagine they could just be sedated and someone reaches in.
Matt: Possibly.
Me: Wait, aren't whales mammals?
Matt: Yeah, they are.
Both: Huh!

Anyone know where beluga caviar comes from if not from beluga whales?

You can never be too careful

Matt and I are leaving on Monday for a week-long trip up to Vancouver BC. Crossing the border can be pretty scary sometimes. Customs officers are intimidating. I always have this fear that they will send me to jail. I don't know if they have that authority, but the possibility always freaks me out. The last time I went up to Canada, the customs officer looked through my bag, asking if I had packed any food. Of course, not knowing any better at the time, I had a few pieces of fruit in my bag. I now understand that you really shouldn't bring fruit across borders. The customs officer found my apple and threw it across the room as if he were throwing the winning pitch at the championship game. He threw it back to the other side of the border. At the time it scared the hell out of me, but now I hope it happens again so I can find it amusing. I equate it to what I would expect out of skydiving. The first time you jump, the trip is a big fantastic rush, but you don't remember much when you reach the ground. But the second time you know what to expect, so you have time to enjoy the ride.

I've missed you guys so much!

I've had a bad headcold. The other day, I actually became excited about my boogers.

You know the routine. You have a nasty cold for a week and have to call in sick for a few days. You realize that things are looking up when you're laying in bed at night and your nostrils start doing that popping thing, and you're suddenly able to breathe through your nose. A day or two later you perform your ritual of the morning nose blow, and boogers come out. Actual firm little boogers. What a relief!

Just laugh it off!

Thank you, Matt, for making me laugh in the midst of a small crisis. An entry from his blog:

"...Kim grabbed a hold of the mattress and box spring, and heaved them up against the wall. Bluish fuzzies all over the bedframe. On the headboard against the wall, on the back of the bedside table. In the closet. On her formal gowns. Curious, I looked at the fuzzies under the microscope, and a chilling fear gripped me. They were in uniform. They had gotten themselves organized. They had declared war without telling us. The bedframe was our Pearl Harbor. Tuesday will live in infamy."

Email of the day!

In today's mail bag, we have a message from Mom. Let's see what she has to say:

Sunday the kids were playing out in the woods when Nathan came in and said, "Daddy, Lindsay has a major problem!" Of course we asked what the problem was. As Lindsay came in behind, looking like she wasn't sure what to think but it probably wasn't good, he said, "A slug crawled into her shoe and is taking a nap!" What??? She came limping in and said it was "Squishy". Ugh! I had her sit down and removed her boot. Sure enough, there was a slug in the bottom of her boot! It's nap looked to have turned into a very long sleep though.

Why don't we start by you telling me what you want me to say

I've decided that I'm tired of defending the logistics of my relationship to people who 1. Don't know me very well, or 2. Don't spend any time with Matt and I as a couple.

I've been having a lot of relationship conversations with people lately, which tend to stem from me bringing up our vacation plans for next month. Let's pretend I'm having a conversation with "Joe". This is generally what happens:

J: Hey Kim, how've you been doing?
M: Oh, good - Anxious for next month's vacation!
J: Oh yeah? What's the plan?
M: Matt and I are going up to Vancouver for a week!
J: That's sweet. How long have you two been together? It's been awhile, hasn't it?
M: 2 years next month.
J: Wow, has it been that long?
M: Mmm.
J: So, any talk of a ring?(or "any thoughts of marriage?"...Etc; You get the idea)
M: No, not really (Casually)
J: Hmm. Really? (Shocked expression ensues)

Now, this is where things get tricky. I've tried all sorts of responses in attempt to close the conversation while reassuring Joe that things are just fine, but nothing seems to be working so far. I've tried explaining that Matt and I are really laid back about our relationship and we're in no rush. I've even tried making conversation light; saying something to the effect of "We're too busy having fun right now to think about getting married." If I try this method with Joe, he then accuses me of thinking that the fun ends with marriage, which usually results in Joe giving a lecture, in an effort to rewire my brain to think differently.

I've thought about letting Joe end the conversation with the look of shock so that I can just walk away, but I'm fairly certain that such an action would just reinforce Joe's impression that I'm not content with my situation, and that behind closed doors Matt and I chase each other around the house with frying pans and butter knives.

I actually started to think there was something wrong with me for not trying to coax Matt into marriage or not window shopping for fluffy white dresses. Then I realized that none of these people spend time with Matt and I together. If they had, they would realize that we have a very wonderful and rare relationship which is incredibly solid.

Sure we have tense moments; I insist on living out of a laundry basket rather than just putting my clothes away, and Matt doesn't unball his socks when he takes them off. I don't always floss my teeth, and Matt doesn't refill the soap dispenser at the bathroom sink. Yes, these things do drive us crazy sometimes, but we have enough love and good times to more than balance things out, and I'm sure our relationship will continue to be fantastic whether I have a monopolized piece of glass on my hand or not.

Personal bubble

Yesterday evening when I boarded the bus I noticed that there was a woman occupying two of the front seats; She had put her bag on one seat, and had her legs propped up in such a way as to block anyone from sitting next to her. There were plenty of other empty seats on the bus, but I really felt like being a pain in the ass, so I stood next to her and made her move her stuff so I could sit down. Of course, it wasn't easy for her to move her bag - she had to fumble a lot in order to make me aware of just how difficult I was making her life, as well as the 4 people who were standing behind me, waiting for an opportunity to pass. As I sat down I thought, "Welcome to rush hour, Honey."

My poor attitude is precisely the reason I should never drive a car.

Have we met? You smell so familiar...

The guy sitting next to me on the bus this morning smelled like ground beef.

I'm not kidding.

Merry Christmas, UPS!

I know I haven't posted in quite some time. It's the holidays. I make good pie. Everyone suddenly remembered that I make good pie about a week before Christmas. Yeah. I've been busy.

Christmas eve morning I was sitting on my bed after taking a very relaxing shower, painting my toenails. I heard the screech of large tires, and looked up to see one UPS guy standing outside of the truck, looking at the house, and another UPS guy in the back of the truck finding my package. It was right about then that I realized the reason I could see the UPS guy was that my blinds were open. It was right about THEN that I realized I was topless.

Jump off the bed, run out to the front room and hide behind the front door. Muster up a little courage and look out the peep hole to watch for the truck to drive away. Observe UPS guy #1 smiling. Pray that UPS guy #2 told a really good joke.

Missing you....

I received a Christmas card in the mail from my grandparents yesterday. Inside grandma says, "We hope you're still with Matt". Either: 1. She really likes Matt, but has no faith in my ability to keep a man, or 2. She really likes Matt, and I'm not good at keeping in touch. Either way, my grandmother likes my boyfriend. Weeee!

Helping hand

There should be a handle in women's restroom stalls. Nothing major - just a little handle on the inside of the door. Y'know, something for us "hoverers" to hold on to when we're going about our business. This would be especially helpful in bar restrooms. I don't know of many women who can do a balanced squat in high-heels after a few drinks. In my experience, it's a big ol' disaster.

Not only does she have a great personality....

Yesterday I was informed by someone I had just met that my pies precede me. That's fantastic! Spread the word, kids - I want everyone to know about my pies before they meet me!

Pre-dinner entertainment

Scenario:
Woman enters the bus, and notices someone she recognizes; entertaining conversation ensues.

Her: (Yelling) Well Hello!
Him: Hey.
Her: (Yelling) Mind if I sit here?
Him: Nope.
Her: (Still yelling) Don't I know you from the nursing home?
Him: Yep.

Get off my back!

Yeah, I haven't posted in forever....You haven't been able to keep up on my highly interesting life....You don't feel like you even know me anymore. So sorry.

I've been busy, alright? I would normally take a break from my incredibly productive work-day to entertain you all with the events of my daily my life, but things have gotten a little hectic.

Not only have I taken on more responsibilities at work, but earlier in the week management had moved all of the new trainees right near my desk, so I wasn't able to take my breaks at my desk any longer. I tried once. I had a line of people waiting to ask me a question during my lunch break. I told those people to go ask someone else for help, since I was on a break. More people came. When I sent them away, some of the first people came back to ask if I was done with my lunch yet.

On a positive note, I have all of my Christmas presents wrapped and ready to send off!

Open. Open. Open.

This morning when I arrived at work, at 7am, there were people standing in line waiting for Office Max to open. I'm not sure how long they had been waiting, and I don't know what time Office Max was scheduled to open it's doors, but the potential customers seemed quite content to stand in the cold, reading their "after Thanksgiving sale" ads.

I thought this sort of thing only happened in commercials. If this is the case with a store that doesn't have television ads reflecting such actions, can you imagine what Mervyns must be like???

Girls Gone Wild: Uncut.

Matt was out of town this weekend, so I had the place to myself. It was weird and a little sad to not have him around, but I was determined to have a really nice "bachelorette" weekend.

Following are the components of my cra-ay-zee weekend:

- Redecorating in the livingroom
- Re-organization of the kitchen
- Baking - cookies and pies
- Bubble bath (with accompanying deep cleansing face mask)
- "Clueless" on VHS

Yeah bay-bee.

Movin' on up

Matt bought some of those nose strips to reduce snoring. They look kinda goofy, but I think they may just take our relationship to another wonderful, rest-filled level.

I'm so lucky

We were watching a movie the other night, when I heard sleeping noises next to me. My boyfriend had one eye partially open and his mouth was slightly agape, with his dry tongue sticking out a bit. As I surveyed the situation, I thought, "What's not to love?"

For a good time

I received an amusing forwarded email string the other day; amusing because one of the people involved has a picture of themselves next to the auto signature at the end. It resembles a real estate agent's business card - If a real estate agent used Glamour Shots for their business needs. And it's at the end of each reply in the message. Following is the email conversation I had with the person who forwarded it to me:

Me: Heheh, scroll really fast. Weee!
Her: HA HA ….I smell a new entry in your blog!
Me (to myself): We are not cool.

Old friends

Sorry I haven't posted in so long; I'm having trouble accessing my blog. When I go to my blog page, I just get a nice big pink screen with no text. I just figured out that I can access my posting page by going through someone else's blog, so all is not lost - yet.

Sunday Matt and I went out for the day. Had a lovely lunch at Julia's on Capitol Hill, and then on to B&O Espresso for sour cream lemon pie - the best dessert on the hill. As we were walking out of B&O, I ran into Tasia.

Tasia was my neighbor 5 years ago, and we grew quite close. At the time, I worked the graveyard shift at work, and I would get home right about the time she was getting up for the day. She would invite me over for tea and "breakfast", which was bedtime tea for me, and earl grey for her, plus softboiled eggs for both of us. She even had cute little egg cups! Of course, you can't live in the same apartment for your entire life, so we both eventually moved away, and I haven't seen her since. I think about her all the time and wonder how she's doing, but I haven't had her number, so there was no way to check up on her.

It was such a pleasant surprise to see Tasia on Sunday - she's one of the few truly good people in the world, and I can't wait to hang out with her!

ARGH! Get out of my HEAD!!

I had bad dreams last night, which I suspect were spawned by PBS' election coverage. I was completely heartbroken this morning after waking from a dream about Matt. I found out that he was sleeping with Penelope Cruz on the side! When I got upset, he told me that I needed to learn to share. Apparently we lived with his mother, and she didn't make me feel much better. She said, "Yes, he probably shouldn't have had his other friend over when you were home, but really, you should calm down, dear."

Wine smoothies for breakfast, anyone?

Listen to your kids - they know a thing or two!

Email from Mom regarding my 7 year old brother:

Nathan wants Bush to win but earlier he said he thinks Kerry is going to win because he wants to make medicare cost less. Hmmm. Interesting thing is neither Daniel or myself has even mentioned medicare! We've discussed Healthcare a few times but never medicare! So, either Nathan has been paying a lot closer attention to the news than we realized or he knows something :)

Only on Halloween

Scenario: 2 girls occupying a bathroom stall simultaneously.

G1: See this? This is scab blood!
G2: Cool.

Nice shoes; Wanna....?

I pulled out my bellydance costume for Halloween this year, and had a night on the town. While waiting at a bus stop to go home, a guy walks by and says "Nice shoes!". I thanked him for the compliment, then realized, "You can't see my shoes!"

How do you say "English" in French???

Steven is teaching himself French online at work...we seriously need some work around here.

Those Chinese have it all figured out...

Should I be concerned by a tag that says "100% Genuine Faux Leather"?

Christmas comes but once a year

Traci took a trip to St. Louis for work last week, and came back with a present for little ol' me! Go to Ebay.com, and type "bra purse" into the search engine for a variety of examples similar to my present. Have I told you that Traci rocks???

These are a few of my favorite things...

1. Ridiculously long, scorching hot showers that leave the water heater empty.

2. Clay face masks and cucumber eye patches

3. Red wine

4. Charlie Brown holiday specials airing on ABC

I made it!

Matt's mom likes my chicken pot pie. I'm so in.

That had to hurt...

Matt and I went to "Shaun of The Dead" last night...Possibly the goriest movie I have ever seen. Go see it!

Drinking at work 101

Email from Matt - working out the evening's plans:

We will fly to Italy fueled by the juice of three onions. We shall land in Tuscany, where we can snack on young parmesan. We will grab some wine, and burrow through the Earth's crust to deepest, darkest Africa. We will love green things, and taste bright colors. The spectrum will span from honey to molasses. We will evaporate into the ether and we will drink people's dreams like wine. There will be much rejoicing. There will be no pain.

In the words of Paris Hilton...

I'm going to a friend's birthday party tonight, and I thought I might get all dolled up for the occasion. I had to work today, so I brought all the provisions in. Make-up, heels, strappy velvet dress, cute jacket...

It was cold this morning, so I bundled up in a cozy turtleneck, jeans and thick socks. I now have "sock tread" on my legs, to go with my snazzy dress. That's hot.

I have a new suit!

Ever notice that pants with back zippers feel like they're going on backwards? It's not just the zipper...they're shaped backwards. Eeew.

People actually buy this???

I normally shop alone, because...Well, girls are lame. But Traci's different - I suspect that she's some sort of imposter girl, because I have a really nice time with her. Traci - YOU ROCK.

In any case...Imposter or no imposter, Traci and I went shopping last night. I suspect that in the end, I had a better time than she did, but I won't go into it, because it was that in-between time that was great.

We went to Ross for our shopping extravaganza, a store that I loathe in most cases. You can't FIND anything there! They are so freakin' unorganized, that I usually get frustrated and just leave. My biggest irritation is finding really great shoes, only to learn that they should be in a section for shoes that are two sizes smaller. Ghah!!!

Initially the trip was pretty uneventful...Until we reached the underwear...There are some crazy undies out there, people! There was this tiny pink see-thru thong, with - get this - pompons hanging off the back. These are not panties that you wear. These are panties that guys buy, so they can hang them on their bedroom wall. I'm sure they make for a great tale of conquest, but please please keep them out of my garment selection!

On second thought...Don't. They were really funny.

New email moment!

From Mom:

Earlier Daniel started talking about how we should have Chun King for dinner tonight. Ew!!! Then he decided to turn up the radio which was playing a Dwight Yoakum song. Eeww! Eeww!
We are NOT having Chun King for dinner tonight and we are NOT listening to Dwight Yoakum during the dinner hour! EW!

You done been schooled!

Last weekend Matt and I were scooting around W. Seattle, when we became stuck at a stop light next to a car of highschool kids.

HK to us: Scooter. Scooooo-ter! Woo-hoo! Scoooooooter!!! Yeah! (etc...)

Matt to me: Yeah, I'm riding a scooter - with a hot chick on the back. He's in a car, with 2 other dudes.

I'm Number 1!!!

I won! I won!!! I won the Mr. T video that I posted in an earlier entry! I'm so excited...We do a Secret Santa gift exchange every year at work - my recipient is going to be so lucky!

Final Thoughts

In Bush's closing statement of last night's debate, he said that he has a 10 year plan which will end our dependence on foreign energy.

He seems to be well on his way toward fulfilling that promise already. How many more countries do you suppose he can take over in 10 years?

Sucka' fool!

Everyone must bid on my new favorite Ebay item!

Email of the day!

Today's email conversation with Matt:

Me:After work today, can you please run to the store? I need a few packages of semisweet chocolate chips, and a few packages of reeces peanut butter chips. Oh, and a bag of cotton balls. Also, a few packages of shortening sticks.

Thank you.

Matt:Mmmnnnn... Cotton ball cookies!

Me: Hmm, yeah, I guess I should've saved that one for the end of my list, huh?

Movin' on up

They've replaced the tampon/pad dispensers in the women's restrooms at work. Now there isn't anywhere to put your quarter. You pull the knob, and the item of your choice flies out. I see you with that blank stare - yeah you. Don't you realize what I'm saying? FREE TAMPONS. Sheesh.

I love The Stranger

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26 The week ends with more punishment for Florida, as Jeanne, the fourth hurricane in six weeks, sliced across the state, reravaging areas recently traumatized by hurricanes Ivan and Frances and killing at least five people. Until today, the Associated Press reports, no state had suffered a four-hurricane pounding in one season since Texas in 1886--which proves one thing: God watched the last election. Condolences to the extravagantly victimized people of Florida, all praise to God and His vengeful weather.

I HATE bugs!!!

I had bug dreams last night. Lots of them. The most memorable were the one about the bees and the one about the spiders.

The bees had built a nest outside my front door. The damn pests kept getting in the house somehow! I couldn't leave the house! I had to call in sick for fear of being swarmed if I went outside!

The spiders were all over inside my house! I literally couldn't leave my bed because the floor was moving, there were so many of them! The cats and I were chillin' on the bed, trying to figure out what to do, when they started climbing up the bed posts, onto the mattress. I called 911, but eventually just climbed out the window next to my bed.

I think the presidential debate affected my sleep. More on that later.

Simple pleasures

This morning a woman got onto the bus with her toddler son. He was very excited about all of the semi trucks that he was seeing on his bus ride, and yelled out every time he saw one. "A truck! Another truck! I see another truck, Mommy!" I love it when kids get so excited about stuff, especially when they pronounce their "tr's" as "f's".

I might be watching too much television.

This morning I was in the middle of a dream, and then out of the blue, there was the image of that creepy kid meowing, from the preview of that new Sarah Michelle Gellar horror movie, The Grudge. Then I woke up to my cat fighting outside my bedroom window. Eew.

No pun intended...

I'm trying to come up with an interesting idea for a birthday dinner that I'm hosting on Monday. I was thinking about doing one of my favorite ideas - cornish hens stuffed with jambalaya. (Thank you Kenny for the idea...If anyone wants my recipe, just let me know). The only problem with this recipe is that after eating an entire hen stuffed with jambalaya, there's no room for dessert. Trust me, dessert will be amazing. SO....I figured I could use those little tiny baby fryer chickens instead! I would have to set a bowl of extra jambalaya on the table, obviously, but two tiny chickens on a plate would make for a really fun presentation...Maybe a thin gravy drizzled on the plate as well.

I've never done anything with baby fryer chickens, so I decided to consult my good friend Yahoo for ideas. I caught myself just before hitting "search", when I realized that I had typed "baby fryer" into the search field. After momentary mortification, I thought, "Oh, what the hell." Nothing interesting came up. Apparently Yahoo doesn't have a sense of humor.

Anyone in the mood for a little Steppenwolf?

Yesterday Sean said that I rock socks. And THEN....This morning on the way into work, Matt and I were behind a truck with a license plate that said "GRSYRDR". It's going to be a great weekend.

Die pink, DIE!

Last night I got my hair cut and colored. It's brown now, or chestnut, I should say. My hair now matches my eyebrows; if you haven't seen my hair lately, this is a big accomplishment. This morning I woke up and found a poem that Matt had written for me:

The New Beatitudes

Blessed are the hairstylists
For they know the truth
That you cannot cut strand by strand
But in swathes and ribbons
As if hair was woven by strands of imagination

Blessed are the comb-makers,
The metallurgists,
Who provide the tools that add texture.

Blessed are those who mix the shampoos
Who blend the pomades, the conditioners
And hair gel.
Blessed are the makers of barbicide.

And blessed am I
Who watch you emerge from
Nylon sheets and plastic hair nets
Like beams of moonlight on my face
As you discard your shadowy veil.

You pay the girl and walk to me.
You smile at me.
You take my hand
And we walk out together.
Pixies lean against my ears and remind me:
I am blessed. I am blessed!

And you thought I was cool before...

My dad drives a truck for a living, and he was in town today so I met him for lunch. He happened to drive through Sturgis during the bike rally, so he bought me some biker shirts to wear on the scooter. One of them is white with a flame painted on the front. It says "Highway Hottie".

You are the least helpful person ever.

Here's the conversation I had with the gentleman behind the meat counter yesterday:

Me: I would like 4lbs of lamb cut into stew meat please.
Him: Sure. What would you like?
Me: Shoulder would be great.
Him: Well, I can cut shoulder for you, but you're not going to get very much meat, and you'll have to pay for the steaks anyway...
Me: Okay, how 'bout shank or rib?
Him: Mmm, that's not a good idea either.
Me: Alright, what would you recommend???
Him: Probably leg. You would get lots of good stew meat from the leg.
Me: That sounds great.
Him: We don't have any right now.

A special kind of "cool"

This morning Matt gave me a ride into work on the back of his moped scooter. It was raining, so I wore my leather chaps. Matt wore his bright green rain pants. We rocked the party.

Save it for the shower

If you're one of those people who sit in the back of the bus and sing aloud with your headphones on, please stop. To the best of my knowledge, no one was given a special "exception" pass which would allow them to sound good while singing with headphones on! Just don't do it.

"Pie and Pastry Bible", you are the DEVIL!

Matt gave me a new cookbook last Christmas, called "The Pie and Pastry Bible", and I've learned to loath it. It's very difficult to read, being that the author sends you to several different sections during the course of a recipe. If you're baking a tart, you have to go to one section for the main recipe, then she sends you somewhere else to read about the crust. While you're reading about the crust, you have to go to another section about pan preparation!

My hatred acquired a new level the other day when I wanted to see how her pie crust recipe compares to mine. I looked up "Pie Crust" in the index, which directed me to "See Crusts". "Crusts" directed me to "See Flaky Pie Crust". "Flaky Pie Crust" directed me to "See Basic Flaky Pie Crust". Does anyone else see a problem here???

Miscellaneous pictures and bringing back the great phrases

I just sent a bunch of film into Snapfish.com for developing/online posting. I had 5 rolls of vacation photos, and 5 more rolls that were just floating around in my camera bag. When I received notification that my photos were posted and my prints were in the mail, I didn't waste any time in going to the website - I wanted to see how the vacation shots turned out, and also to see what was on all of those mystery rolls! The vacation photos turned out really well (if you're not in my immediate family, please let me know if you want an invite to the album, as I might not remember to send the link to you!), and I was happy to see that the mystery film consisted of pictures from a few football games, and some family visits. I was happily perusing my pictures when I suddenly became completely confused. At the end of one of my albums is a photo that I don't remember taking. It was obviously taken in downtown Seattle, on a rainy day. I'm looking at a stack of soggy couch cushions in the middle of the sidewalk. I've added that picture to the end of all my photo albums. Because really, what's a photo album without soggy couch cushions?

In other news, someone told me that they like my blog, and I said "Oh goody!"

Yes!

Matt and I went out and saw Garden State. You must see this movie. Now. Oh, and buy the soundtrack too.

Blame it on the rain

Apparently there's a bit of a sandpit next to the driveway at my mother's house, and the kids like to build sand castles there after it rains. According to Mom's email, the most recent attempt was a bit of a failure:

The kids just returned. They destroyed their earlier creation, declared it a disaster, saying Ivan did it and now they need to start all over.

An offer I *almost* can't refuse...

Here's today's email from Mom:

You want a couple kids? I was on the verge of calling the police a little bit ago. We finished school and told the kids they were going to get baths in a little bit. We then let them go outside to play for a few before bathtime. Daniel went in, got the tub ready then headed out to call the kids in. I waited a few then went out to see what was taking so long. Looked around, didn't see anyone so started calling out. Daniel came walking up the drive, saying he was looking for them. Huh? He went one way, I went another calling thier names. No sign of them. I was getting desperate! I even looked in the freezer! Everything was so quiet! Finally I thought something must have happened and we would need to call the police. I yelled out as loud as I could "NATHAN!!" It was then that I heard giggling and they came down from their hiding spot in the trees saying they didn't want to take a bath. They haven't gotten a lecture like they did then in a long time!

i No Molestar Los Animales !

In Yellowstone, they have warning signs for different perils, which all feature the same kid. There was one about the dangers of buffalo gorings. The image was of this child, being thrown through the air by a buffalo, baseball cap flying in one direction, and camera off in another. We went to check out the canyon, and there was a warning sign about staying on the trails. Same kid, falling off a cliff; same baseball cap and camera flying through the air behind him. I totally want to see him on warning signs for alligators or sharks or something.

Part 3: The Picture Book

As Anna sat in the high back chair, she thought about what she had done, as her mother had instructed. She really hadn’t thought it was such a big deal to be playing with the glass angels in the china hutch. She supposed that mother had gotten so angry because they had been grandmother’s. She couldn’t help it, though. Every day she looked at those angels on the top shelf, and admired their beauty. She played with them nearly every day after school, before mother got home from work. Today mother had come home early; just early enough to catch her with all of them on the floor around her. Of course, knowing what horrible punishment it was, mother sent her to sit in the uncomfortable chair in the corner of the front room.

No longer able to analyze the situation, her gaze began to wander about the room, looking over things that she always looked over when she was sent to the corner. There was the piano, which mother made her stand at and sing while she played various songs. During birthdays and Christmas, they would all gather around and sing songs. Of course, mother had a terrible voice, so it was never much of a treat, but she always insisted, saying it was tradition.

ON the floor next to her chair sat two jugs. They weren’t anything special; just two plain, glass jugs, which were about the size of milk bottles, perhaps a bit larger. She never knew where they came from and thought they were actually rather ugly, but mother always insisted on keeping them there. Perhaps this was also part of her strategic punishment; making her sit by ugly bottles.

Across the room was the glass door, which led to the dining room. Anna loved to sit in that room as much as possible and look outside. They lived on the fourth floor, so it was a wonderful view of the people below and the park across the street. Sometimes after sitting at the windows all afternoon, she would turn around to see mother standing in the door way with tears in her eyes. She would never give details as to why she was crying, though, always saying something about memories of grandmother.

Next to the glass door was one of grandmother’s old bookshelves. Anna missed her so, and had immediately started reading the books on the shelf, as soon as she had been shown grandmother’s favorites. She was quite the reader at such a young age, so she heard mother and many of her friends commenting. She didn’t know much about that, but she did love to read. She was currently in the midst of a wonderful novel called The Merchant of Venice. Mother didn’t approve much of this book, but let her read it anyway. She had begged and wailed when mother said she didn’t want Anna r3eading the book. Anna was torn, as mother had just finished telling her that this had been grandmother’s very favorite. Finally mother consented, saying that she could read it, but not all at once; she had to read just a bit every day. Anna could sit all-day and read for hours, many times finishing entire novels in one day. She was about halfway through this one and understood why mother hadn’t wanted her reading all of it at once. It was a very intense novel, full of violence and revenge.

The more she thought about this book, the more she wanted to be reading it right now. She knew that she shouldn’t as mother had instructed her not to move from the chair until she was called to dinner. Also, she had already read part of it that day, and she knew the rules. Unfortunately, Anna was quit the troublemaker, even she knew that. So, with mother in the kitchen preparing dinner, Anna sneaked across the room to the shelf and quietly stole the book, running back to her seat to read. She became so caught up in the story that she hadn’t noticed on of her stockings falling below her knee, or mother calling her for dinner.